May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically known for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A number of the most effective. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully out of spot. Built by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But yes, positive, let's have Yet another area wherever American Adult men can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace try considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst former negotiations unsuccessful under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: provide Everybody a set to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often comfortable power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have Trump Tower Damascus sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each individual device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower in a very war zone. It is really that he need to cease using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the job, replied, "You understand, person, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Very good folks. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head noticeable from Room, a aspect being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after discovering the developing's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It truly is not merely unpleasant. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Confusing Functions


Perhaps the strangest aspect with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends may well contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Nearby Syrians are Doubtful what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Tactic: "When you Bomb It, They're going to Appear"


The advert marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Eternally."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "the place's the nearest elevator into the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is by now attracting consideration from Worldwide buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level may even include:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to view a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort in which my PTSD can have flip-down services."


An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave it all three. You are welcome."

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